Flasz On Film

I went to see Disclosure Day last night… and I came back home agitated. It could have been because I had really been looking forward to this movie as a fan of Spielberg’s work (and I do enjoy his science-fiction output specifically as well) and I emerged disappointed. Or it could have been the fact that my experience of watching Disclosure Day was being constantly disrupted by a two-year-old who was… well… being a two-year-old.

And let’s be clear here: I’m not going to climb on a soapbox and demand structural changes be put in place that would safeguard against my being inconvenienced by children in my vicinity. Not at all. I don’t subscribe to the theory that children are like farts and you can only tolerate your own. But—foolishly enough—I expect adults to be mindful of their surroundings. And as I am typing these words I become overwhelmingly aware of the simple realization that many adults aren’t in fact mindful of anyone but themselves, which is evidenced by rampant use of mobile phones in cinemas, inability to queue to enter public transport or respect other people’s personal space by engaging in phone conversations in public spaces by holding the phone like a cream-topped waffle and using the speaker at full volume. Some people just wake up every day with a serious case of main character energy and proceed to behave as though nobody but them existed. And for the sake of full transparency, seeing a phone screen light up in an otherwise dark auditorium while a film unfolds on the screen does drive me up the wall.

So, what I objected to during yesterday’s unfortunate screening of Disclosure Day wasn’t the fact that a little child was being a child, but the fact that her parents thought it was a good idea to take a two-year-old to an evening screening of a movie that she clearly wasn’t meant to be seeing, which is why her behaviour ended up inconveniencing everyone within the radius of at least five metres, including me. Again, I believe that young children ought to be introduced to the ritual of watching films in a public setting. It’s magical. But I would have never taken my two-year-old to an eight o’clock screening of a movie that is two-and-a-half hours long and clearly not meant for kids despite what you might infer from its 12A rating. The fact that children under twelve need to be accompanied by an adult does not mean that the film in question is a suitable experience for all ages between zero and twelve.

Oh, and it was an iSense screening too, which—for those who might not be aware of the naming convention—is Odeon’s premier experience. Bigger screen. Slightly more luxurious recliners. And, crucially, Dolby Atmos turned up to the blooming gills. It’s brighter, louder and more intense than a regular screening, which makes it even less suitable for a little toddler who’s way past her bedtime. If I feel the Dolby Atmos jingle reverberating right through my colon so profoundly that I always panic a little bit that I might soil myself if the music doesn’t stop, then I can only imagine that a kid the size of a poodle would see this experience as panic-inducing. Imagine being under artillery fire for over two hours and you might have an idea what a little kid feels when watching a film like that in a setting tuned to overwhelm by design. Shell-shocked.

Predictably, she cried and screamed at every loud noise and complained to her parents at all other times for nearly the entire duration of the film. And I was stuck there trying to stay focused on what was unfolding on the screen—and the movie wasn’t helping me in this regard by virtue of being just a bit too precious about itself either—while being constantly reminded of what I think was tantamount to child abuse taking place a few seats down. At this point, I am seriously considering going back to watch Disclosure Day again in hopes that the film was actually worth my time and the only reason I ended up nonplussed about it was because of the dire conditions of the screening itself; but I am fully aware of it being a massive gamble.

Therefore, let this be a lesson to any of you who might be in the market for a piece of friendly parental advice. Just because something isn’t explicitly disallowed doesn’t mean it is encouraged or tolerated. I know being a parent is hard—and I have been raising my child without a village so I do know what I am talking about—and you might not be afforded an opportunity to head out to watch a movie you’ve been looking forward to and that childcare is incredibly expensive. If you really need to take your toddler to see a movie this intense, pick a slot during the day when they won’t be spent and extra cranky. Pick a child-friendly screening where the lights might be left on a little bit and where the sound will be turned down in an effort not to overwhelm their delicate little ears. You do have options. Some of us do choose those late evening screenings precisely because they tend to be attended by older audiences who are less likely to misbehave.

Think of all the damage you might avoid inflicting on those around you, especially those placed in your immediate care. You might see it as harmless or inconsequential but a decision to have taken a two-year-old to a late screening of a movie like Disclosure Day probably ruined a grand total of twenty to thirty hours of life on Earth split between various inconvenienced, distracted and aggravated patrons, not to mention that little child. You might be thinking that it was a formative experience for her, a magical gateway drug to the world of cinema. In reality, what she got was a mild dose of PTSD.