I’m Still Here

I don’t like the idea of writing a personal update. It honestly feels defeatist even as I am typing these words. My brain is actively fighting against me here and all of my inner voices (and there are a few) are screaming in unison that if I have the time to write this pile of verbiage, I definitely have time to write something different. Like a review. Or anything, really.

Why does it feel like a defeat, actually? Could it be because I subconsciously feel that the idea of writing an explanation as to why I have been absent from here lately is something I have seen dying blogs and YouTube channels do. The minute you start apologizing for not having the time or the inclination to keep up is often the first nail in the coffin. But at least I feel I have an excuse… sort of.

But then again, who cares? This place doesn’t see a lot of traffic anyway!

Well, maybe it would if I kept up a more consistent schedule?

Alas, doing anything is about reps (a philosophy I picked up from Arnold Schwarzenegger, seriously) and I don’t think I’ve managed to clock too many of them this year. It’s nearly April and I honestly only found the time to write six (six!!!) pieces for this site. Though, I have been busy doing other things, at least for a while. As you may have also noticed, entries for Uncut Gems Podcast have died down in here and it’s not because the show ceased to exist. Quite the opposite. Ever since the beginning of the year, together with Nic we have ramped up our operations on the podcasting scene and on top of the regular show, which is now on its 60th episode, we started a Patreon channel (patreon.com/uncutgemspod) where we record bonus shows tying into what we do on Uncut Gems. So, instead of four shows a month, we now record seven. And these shows have to be edited, polished, released and marketed, which naturally takes a fair bit of time.

On top of that, even though Uncut Gems has been (and continues to be) associated with CLAPPER, we decided to build a bespoke website for it, where you can browse through all of our shows (both regular and Patreon-exclusive), find links to all platforms, get in touch and all that. Check it out!

uncutgemspodcast.com

As a by-product of this decision, I have made the decision not to re-post the podcast in here because it honestly felt a little bit too laborious for its own good. So, if you’ve been following the show through this place, feel free to head over to the new HQ (which is also on WP) and subscribe through there to stay on top of new episodes.

So, as you may imagine, building the website and the Patreon channel took priority early in the year and the increased recording schedule consumed some of my otherwise free time, which is something I am now in the process of re-adjusting to find opportunities to write. As an unfortunate by-product, as all these things were going on, I accrued a massive backlog of movies I wished to review (such as Scream, Sing 2, Moonfall, Parallel Mothers or The Batman). And I think it’s time to stop kidding myself I’ll be able to ever catch up with it. I think it’s time to cut all of them loose. I will still probably just log them on Letterboxd, so if you’d like to find out how I felt about some of the more recent releases, you’ll be able to see my ratings there, accompanied by some kind of a one-liner review.

Truth be told, I think this is a good lesson for the future to identify situations like these because once commitments pile up sufficiently high, they are more than capable of squashing my motivation to write. Which causes these films to pile up even more and spiral out of control in the nick of time.

I don’t want to excuse myself with personal traumas even though the last few months have not been the easiest in general, and additionally it feels somewhat meaningless and downright disrespectful to moan about movies while the world seems to be on the brink of war. But I won’t lie: falling into this rut and not being able to get out from under the combined weight of other obligations and the completely phantom pressure exerted by the backlog of stuff I thought it was my job to work through have quite successfully contributed to exacerbating my anxiety, lowering my mood and depressing my motivation sufficiently enough that I couldn’t find it in me to sit down and write anything even when I had the time and the energy to do so.

And that’s not good.

I suppose doing what I am doing now constitutes a form of therapy and I’d like to see it as the first step on the way to recovery because I missed writing so much and it killed me to see how I slid into the groove of impotent, procrastinative inactivity. I sincerely hope I can get back on that horse and re-establish a working writing routine somewhere between all my other obligations because – now that I have spent a while not writing – I feel I need it more than anything else to maintain basic well-being.

So, I guess we’ll see if it takes me another month to come back here or if you’ll see a steady trickle of pieces making their way onto here. Time will tell. All I can do is promise to do my best and keep it up for long enough to re-establish a working habit. I’m told three weeks of consistency is all it takes for your brain to get with the program. I have a bunch of stuff I want to write about, a good handful of interesting movies are coming out and I still have a few retrospectives to put a bow on (before starting a few more), so I have that to look forward to. Meanwhile, you can still head over to uncutgemspodcast.com to listen to the podcast and subscribe to our Patreon to listen to some more shows about cool movies.

Catch you later! I’m still here.

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